status quo
life these days has turned into somewhat of a routine. i usually know where i’m going to be each day while inviting moments of impulse, which helps put a small pep in my step. but as i lay in bed at night and think about what the next day holds, i don’t envision it looking too different from the previous day.
i’ve been telling my friends that i feel like i got to the point in the relationship where the honeymoon stage is over. the warm missions buzz of my Ghana experience is slowly fading while i strive to keep fueling the vision that was started there. the interesting and new conversations of the unknown is no longer what makes my heart skip a beat. the unknown has become a sobering reality and has well adjusted into my everyday. i wake up feeling His presence around me but my heart doesn’t instantly smile anymore; it nods in acknowledgement.
i’m beginning to believe this is what will be of our relationship. something less intense and passionate; something more normal and comfortable. as soon as i feel comfortable, i start to itch. feeling full makes me want to hunger. my natural inclination is to be on the move again. one of my greatest fears is to become content with where i am and ask for nothing more. i want more, because i know there’s still so much i don’t know about God. i never want to assume i know enough.
so what do i do to get myself out of this? nothing. comfortable doesn’t mean you don’t strive for consistency or steadiness. i know God wants me to be faithful even when life’s not in my direct favor. i know He still hears me and speaks to me even when i don’t cry out in desperation. it’s hard to just sit and wait for something to happen, but knowing i’d lose control the minute i took over the wheel, i’m subject to submission. so i’m learning to sit. maybe this is all God wants from me- to strip Him of the blessings He provides and to just look at Him. only then will my vision be restored and my strength renewed. only then can i declare surrender again. only then can i move forward.
this relationship isn’t just about how good He makes me feel about myself. or even what He has to offer. i’m in this for the simple reason that He loves me when i don’t deserve it. when no one else had the words to save me, He did. i owe Him my life. this relationship stands on more than a thrilling adventure or the ultimate romance. it’s a commitment. to have and to hold til death do us part. i’ll live the rest of my life keeping up my side of the bargain. you can hold me to that.
