vegas
i’ve honestly been trying my best to delay this particular post because i don’t feel as confident addressing my experience. there are repercussions i am still paying for and it’s been painful. but i know that i’m not alone in this struggle…more importantly, i don’t want to be alone in this struggle.
i went to las vegas two weekends ago. after coming back from my trip, i was convinced that i would be able to handle the amount of temptation that would come my way, but unfortunately, i was left broken instead of victorious. from the moment i got there, i was confused about what i could do, what i’m allowed to do, what i shouldn’t do. everything became questionable. my intentions were unclear and my attempt to be Christ-like was overpowered by my desire to just let go a little. so i did.
if Christ came to me at that moment, i don’t know what i would have said to Him. how could i explain that i was just trying to have fun or i wasn’t indulging too much but just enough? what would He say to me? i know He would see straight through my excuses. the trip left me feeling sick to my stomach because i was neither hot nor cold, i was lukewarm. i didn’t choose either side of all in or all out; i just dabbled somewhere in between being above reproach and indulging in my physical desires. it was literally a battle.
i must confess i wasn’t myself. i became a very scared, paranoid, defensive, ugly person…and it wasn’t only me that was hurt by my actions. i hurt my friends. they were confused about who i was. they questioned my character and they had a right to do so, because i didn’t know how to be myself in a place that doesn’t welcome Christ openly. most recently, i only surrounded myself with believers and with the things of God. i learned how to be Christ-like with fellow brothers and sisters and i was honestly un-equipped to face the people who don’t know Him. simply put, i suck at it. God challenged me to think about how to better love and serve the people in my life that still haven’t met Him intimately. yes, it’s easy to dismiss those relationships because it’s difficult to remain hopeful in seemingly impossible situations. i can’t do it or maybe i just don’t want to try. but it’s not about me. i hate how quickly i can lose sight of Jesus and the gospel.
lukewarm is somewhere i never want to be again. but the truth is, the spiritual battle between God and the enemy is strong. i will never always represent Christ correctly because i am weak and imperfect. but i know i’m fighting. i’m putting up a fight for Christ to reign instead of wallowing in defeat. one of the greatest attributes of Christ, probably the only reason why i still have a relationship with Him is because of grace. because i am able to recognize that He has given it to me, i am able to move past my failed moments and look forward to opportunities that He presents next.
