the story
People say that everything is heightened on missions- your spiritual awareness, your willingness to serve, your relationship with God… it’s natural for your best to exude confidently. Your focus is solely on the Lord and His work. There are no distractions, no pauses, no complaints. This seems so ideal, right? Who wouldn’t want to live for the Lord this way. To constantly be a witness to the gospel and to live like God intended us to. My friends have been saying, “Sure, that’s normal on missions. We ride this spiritual high as long as it lasts and then we ‘re back to reality.” But we all choose to live in this reality that has demons of its own. On missions, we fought demons- not only our personal demons of pride, lust, fear..etc. but also the demons dealing with eternal issues. I see no difference in what we are fighting. We’re fighting the same war whether we are at home or not. We just go in a roundabout way at home because it’s not appropriate to talk about God so blatantly.
God had my attention when I was in Ghana. He should have my attention. But when He has my full attention, I will rationalize with myself and say, “It’s because I’m on missions I can feel this good and worship this hard.” As I recall my encounters with God in the various ministries I’ve served in thus far, I can recount the moments that I felt like I met God in such a tangible way. 1. When I re-committed my life to Him two years ago, which meant denying all relationships that kept me from Him 2. When I went to Urban missions two years ago 3. Ghana. What does this mean? It would be sad to think that I only truly met God when He really demanded my attention. No. I don’t think that’s it. I hope not.
These three occasions reveal several things:
1. Denying myself truly does bring me closer to God and I feel completely liberated from what I expect of my life, which are pretty much all selfish ambitions even though I try to convince myself that I’ll use it for God’s glory.
2. It makes me aware of the urgency in life and I love that. I hate wasting time. I can’t get myself to take naps because it’s a waste of time. I’d rather sit and think myself to death.
3. I always push myself to live in someone else’s shoes. That’s not true. I realized I need to do this more. Thinking about just my shoes breeds nothing but careless thoughts. Wanting to understand how others live, think, breath…it feeds my soul. I thought everyone wants to know how other people live and eat and struggle- but it hasn’t been the case.
4. I thrive on the heaviness of this world. What does that mean…I like thinking about tragic things (i’m weird, i know) happy thoughts don’t really get me anywhere…it doesn’t prompt me to act. Sad thoughts make me sad, but they also prompt me to seek God harder. So I’m comfortable where things are uncomfortable. That’s how it should be- life is uncomfortable… I want to stop trying to make my life comfortable.
5. I am a no-nonsense kinda girl. (I’ve actually known this for a very long time) I don’t do well in nonsense situations…I grow cold and quiet. People at work say I’m the most quiet person in the office. (They don’t know how funny I am!) I have difficulty speaking or responding to nonsense. I just can’t adapt no matter how important it is for my social life.
For two years I’ve been asking God for an answer…how can I serve you through the gifts you’ve given me… tell me Lord…is it graduate school (He said no) is it through my workplace (He said, stay diligent) is it through church (He said, just to get your feet wet). So I remained faithful in these areas but never did I feel….completely satisfied.
I am called to be an artist. But to what capacity God wanted me to work in this area has been uncertain. I have been in search of several different avenues including the arts ministry at Living Way, graduate programs for art, and my own portfolio. God shut the doors on some avenues and others, I was left still hungry for more. I realized that my gift was given to me for a specific purpose and as much as I thought that I could give it up if God asked me to, that was not his intention.
God gave me a kingdom vision for the ends of the earth: I want to photograph and document the lives and the movement that is taking place in these remote areas as a testament that the gospel is alive throughout the world. I want to shine light on what is in darkness and reveal a truth about the world that people tend to ignore. My desire is to begin in Ghana. By partnering with Pioneers, I hope to visit the sites that are currently active in ministry and partake in Pioneers’ goals and also be able to document people, conversations, and transformations that I encounter.
I am at a point in my relationship with God where He has asked the big question, “Will you commit to me fully?” I have prayed about this life decision even before I left for Ghana and I believe I am finally ready to understand what that means and what it looks like. I realize this is not an easy task because already He has been showing me what I would have to give up to follow him. But at this point, I am convicted that this calling is my highest priority because it deals with issues of eternity.
After much prayer and petition, I am in the process of planning my trip back to Ghana. My only desire is to know who God is and to bring glory to His name. Who knows, maybe this whole art thing doesn’t work out…maybe He just wants to me to go so that He could spend more intimate time with me. Maybe He just wants to know that I would choose Him and there is no one before Him. You know what- I am absolutely, wholeheartedly ok with that.
“Therefore I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Romans 12:1-2
