Him & him
i grew up extremely loved. my parents said my siblings and i were such innocent, pure-hearted children. my mom swears she started talking to us more harshly just to toughen us up so we can handle the real world. i don’t know if that worked- i just thought she didn’t like us.
as an extremely loved child, i learned to love without fear. my parents taught us to give and receive it preciously. i was more than familiar with this exchange of affection. i know it may have been naive to have thought that every time you gave, you received, but as a kid, i’m not quite sure how you know any better than to expect it. so when i experienced my first bitter taste of rejection, it hurt me more than it should’ve. my heart began to harden and the hope in a perfect love disintegrated as my belief that i wasn’t worth that kind of love, increased.
when my girlfriends and i would watch chick flicks, i’d never let the silly, corny, happily-ever-after endings melt my heart- while the girls next to me were reaching for kleenex in their purses, i wouldn’t shed a tear. i developed an aversion to puppies and babies, because that was the sweet spot for a lot of girls. i never wanted my significant other see me cry, because i didn’t want them to know how vulnerable they made me. i didn’t want them to think i was weak.
when i was born-again, all of that changed. i literally became a different person. He told me it was ok to cry because He is my Comforter. He told me i can tell Him anything because He is my Shepherd and Wise Counselor. He told me i can always come to Him because He is my Shelter. He told me it’s ok that my heart was broken because He is my Healer. His love broke me down and i didn’t care what other people thought of the ‘me’ God saw. He showed me how much He loves me, all of me. since then, i’ve developed a new hope in giving and receiving love- how the selfless giving of love itself is the true reward. i was able to take the focus off of myself and share the love i experienced with Him. i’m not afraid to say it, i love Him. let me say it again, i love Him. i’m deeply in love with the one who saved me. the one who didn’t have to, but did because He deemed my life worth living.
i wish i could tell you that this uninhibited love for Him translated to my relationship with men. when approaching a love relationship, Christ set the standard by saying that husbands should love their wives like Christ loves the church. i’d say that’s quite a standard to live up to. it was one i wasn’t willing to compromise. as i’ve watched sisters get married to the man that vows to love them like Christ, i honestly couldn’t imagine myself up there with a man who could make such a promise to me- even more so, a man that i believed could keep that promise.
yet again, God was out to prove me wrong. when i met him at first, i thought nothing of it. i was so consumed in my love relationship with Christ, i didn’t want anything or anyone to get in the way of that. i pressed on, believing i was complete and full. time shaped our relationship into a somewhat ambiguous virtual friendship, and my heart began to tug at the questions, who is this he and why is he in my life? as i prayed in surrender, God revealed how i let my own judgements and perceptions cloud my ability to see Him as He does. he is a dreamer, a man with limitless vision, a disciple who craves the truth of the gospel, a heart that believes that there is no fear in love.
it was good enough for me to find someone who would let me soar the distances i wanted, he didn’t have to go with me. i would’ve settled for someone who could provide stability and comfort as i needed, not challenge me to strive for goals that are beyond my reach. i wanted to offer the good parts of me and leave the rest at the door, not be told that there is beauty in the good, the bad and the ugly. but instead, he wants all of me. i didn’t approach this relationship sooner because i saw the danger, the risk, the uncertainty of being with someone who was willing to go wherever God desired. but then again, how could i have it any other way?
through him, i have experienced the liberty of love. the towers and fortresses i’ve built around my heart are crumbling. the bitter taste i’ve been left with has been washed away. he fills my heart to the brim with affection that i know is from Him. he takes forward steps, creating a safe path for me to follow. he’s the one God chose to show me that His love is real by challenging me to believe and accept that i am worth perfect love. he’s made me into a believer.
as i write this, i still hold onto the struggle of letting my fears go. i see the distance i must leap to fully embrace who i am in God’s eyes and what He’s making of my life. but i know, it’s with him. it’s with his love because with it, there’s worship. there’s surrender. there’s dying to myself. there’s giving and receiving the way it was intended.
there’s a song called “just the way you are” by bruno mars- when i first heard it, i scoffed at the idea that a man would love a girl just the way she is. obviously, she is flawed in one way or another. how is it possible for him to love her as she is? friends, i want to confess, i believe in happy endings, in happily ever after. i believe him when he says he loves me, just the way i am. i don’t want to be afraid to say it, i love him. i’ll say it again, i love him.
