when only Love
at the young, vulnerable, age of fifteen, i met my first love. though it’s naive to say this, it was magical. it was pure. i cherished our encounters, our longings and our soft-spoken tones. i believed our love could endure any hardship because we had each other and also because i believed God would be our refuge. i thought it was perfect.
but this vision i had of love, was quickly challenged by the limitations of circumstance, fear, and doubt. i fought back with my tiny fists against massive obstructions. with each lash to my heart, my attempts grew weaker, less determined and more unclear. after the end of an on-again off-again, tumultuous seven years of fighting for i-don’t-even-know-anymore, my heart was in ruins. i was so emotionally battered, i couldn’t recognize myself anymore. where did my perfect love go?
i lost sight of God and importance of seeking Him first. i wanted to make this love work with or without Him. and with each failed attempt, my heart hardened, denying God of a relationship with me. i wouldn’t let Him heal me- because i felt unworthy of any of His attention after how i treated Him. how could He love someone who neglected Him and questioned His motives? i realized, He was trying to tell me that He was the perfect Love i was fighting for, if only i could open my eyes and my heart.
there’s a song we sang at Living Way- the bridge went something like this,
as i see the height from which you reign,
and the depth to which you came.
as i see the height to which you brought me
and the depth from which you saved.
i forgot where i was or what i was doing, but this song came into my heart last week. when i find myself losing sight of God’s mercy and grace, it’s songs like this that remind me to declare, i will still praise You. my testimony always brings me back to the simple fact that i didn’t deserve His love but He gave it to me anyway. He is the perfect Love I was longing for.
Love saved me when love couldn’t. because He did, Love made a way towards love again. my brother has been someone who largely contributed to my resistant, almost obstinate nature towards vulnerability with men. it’s been about two months since we started living together and i have to say, it’s been rewarding. when i try to prove that i’m not a child anymore, he challenges me to be more child-like. when i speak passionately about something, he encourages me to keep going. when i don’t know how to live in faith, he shows me what it looks like. he’s helping restore my faith in relationships i deemed hopeless or too risky. Love covers over a multitude of sins (i peter 4:8). Love conquers all.
i recently visited Storm King in upstate NY, an art center that displays large-scale sculptures around beautiful natural landscapes. there was one piece that i had to give more than a glance of admiration. i came home and showed my brother a picture of the sculpture and asked him to guess what the title of it is. knowing me, and the condition of my heart in recent times, he facetiously surmised that it had to be somewhat existential, dark or self-absorbed. my hope is to eliminate this association with myself completely. i want to live in the light and be characterized by that goodness because i have Love.
by the way, the title of the sculpture is kiss
