the pruning process
where have i been. here. here but clouded. here but hurting. here but afraid. i didn’t know what to write because my heart no silver lining or light at the end of the tunnel to redeem the lingering darkness within me. progressively, my heart sank deeper into sentiments of doubt, fear and bitterness…and i let it. one of my greatest demons is anxiety. i have a lot of it. even after all God has revealed in my life…it’s something the enemy still uses to keep God at a distance.
for the past few weeks, i’ve allowed myself to believe in lies, soak in self-pity and hide in my own self-inflicting world, all making their case that i’m just not good enough to be loved. how does it come to this? wasn’t i just writing about how good God has been this past year? did i not witness the power of miracles in my life? again, i’ll ask. how did it come to this?
it became quite clear this past sunday as i sat in service at trinity grace church. the pastor spoke on forgiveness and the consequences of not being able to forgive due to bitterness. i had to examine my own heart. who am i not forgiving? what kind of bitterness do i harbor? i realized i was bitter at God. it started with one disappointment and everything after that just escalated my inability to trust Him fully. i felt like He owed me something. something other than a disappointment. i became a prisoner to the enemy. i let bitterness sow into my heart and it actually bore fruit. it was full of negativity, insecurity and denial.
there’s been a reoccurring passage that i’ve encountered in my quiet time, at an ahav meeting (remnant westside’s local outreach ministry), and at trinity grace. it’s been the common theme that defines where i’m with God right now: John 15:1-4
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”
so that’s what He’s been doing. He’s cutting off the bad parts. He’s trimming the unnecessary. He’s reducing me to what will make me better. though it’s a process that leaves wounds exposed, He also leaves them open to heal. there’s no doubt that this is painful and too vulnerable for my human nature to stand, but He also says this,
“7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.8This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” John 15:7-8
this is because He loves me. His promise prevails. it always does. i’m changing my heart to see why this is necessary as i begin to root myself in new york. i know it’s going to be worth it.
