picturethegospel

… it has not yet been revealed what we shall be … —1 John 3:2

Our natural inclination is to be so precise—trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next—that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, “Well, what if I were in that circumstance?” We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God—it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, “… unless you … become as little children …” (Matthew 18:3). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “… believe also in Me” (John 14:1), not, “Believe certain things about Me”. Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in—but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

—

Him & him

i grew up extremely loved. my parents said my siblings and i were such innocent, pure-hearted children. my mom swears she started talking to us more harshly just to toughen us up so we can handle the real world. i don’t know if that worked- i just thought she didn’t like us. 

as an extremely loved child, i learned to love without fear. my parents taught us to give and receive it preciously. i was more than familiar with this exchange of affection. i know it may have been naive to have thought that every time you gave, you received, but as a kid, i’m not quite sure how you know any better than to expect it. so when i experienced my first bitter taste of rejection, it hurt me more than it should’ve. my heart began to harden and the hope in a perfect love disintegrated as my belief that i wasn’t worth that kind of love, increased.

when my girlfriends and i would watch chick flicks, i’d never let the silly, corny, happily-ever-after endings melt my heart- while the girls next to me were reaching for kleenex in their purses, i wouldn’t shed a tear. i developed an aversion to puppies and babies, because that was the sweet spot for a lot of girls. i never wanted my significant other see me cry, because i didn’t want them to know how vulnerable they made me. i didn’t want them to think i was weak. 

when i was born-again, all of that changed. i literally became a different person. He told me it was ok to cry because He is my Comforter. He told me i can tell Him anything because He is my Shepherd and Wise Counselor. He told me i can always come to Him because He is my Shelter. He told me it’s ok that my heart was broken because He is my Healer. His love broke me down and i didn’t care what other people thought of the ‘me’ God saw. He showed me how much He loves me, all of me. since then, i’ve developed a new hope in giving and receiving love- how the selfless giving of love itself is the true reward. i was able to take the focus off of myself and share the love i experienced with Him. i’m not afraid to say it, i love Him. let me say it again, i love Him. i’m deeply in love with the one who saved me. the one who didn’t have to, but did because He deemed my life worth living. 

i wish i could tell you that this uninhibited love for Him translated to my relationship with men. when approaching a love relationship, Christ set the standard by saying that husbands should love their wives like Christ loves the church. i’d say that’s quite a standard to live up to. it was one i wasn’t willing to compromise. as i’ve watched sisters get married to the man that vows to love them like Christ, i honestly couldn’t imagine myself up there with a man who could make such a promise to me- even more so, a man that i believed could keep that promise. 

yet again, God was out to prove me wrong. when i met him at first, i thought nothing of it. i was so consumed in my love relationship with Christ, i didn’t want anything or anyone to get in the way of that. i pressed on, believing i was complete and full. time shaped our relationship into a somewhat ambiguous virtual friendship, and my heart began to tug at the questions, who is this he and why is he in my life? as i prayed in surrender, God revealed how i let my own judgements and perceptions cloud my ability to see Him as He does. he is a dreamer, a man with limitless vision, a disciple who craves the truth of the gospel, a heart that believes that there is no fear in love. 

it was good enough for me to find someone who would let me soar the distances i wanted, he didn’t have to go with me. i would’ve settled for someone who could provide stability and comfort as i needed, not challenge me to strive for goals that are beyond my reach. i wanted to offer the good parts of me and leave the rest at the door, not be told that there is beauty in the good, the bad and the ugly. but instead, he wants all of me. i didn’t approach this relationship sooner because i saw the danger, the risk, the uncertainty of being with someone who was willing to go wherever God desired. but then again, how could i have it any other way? 

through him, i have experienced the liberty of love. the towers and fortresses i’ve built around my heart are crumbling. the bitter taste i’ve been left with has been washed away. he fills my heart to the brim with affection that i know is from Him. he takes forward steps, creating a safe path for me to follow. he’s the one God chose to show me that His love is real by challenging me to believe and accept that i am worth perfect love. he’s made me into a believer.

as i write this, i still hold onto the struggle of letting my fears go. i see the distance i must leap to fully embrace who i am in God’s eyes and what He’s making of my life. but i know, it’s with him. it’s with his love because with it, there’s worship. there’s surrender. there’s dying to myself. there’s giving and receiving the way it was intended. 

there’s a song called “just the way you are” by bruno mars- when i first heard it, i scoffed at the idea that a man would love a girl just the way she is. obviously, she is flawed in one way or another. how is it possible for him to love her as she is? friends, i want to confess, i believe in happy endings, in happily ever after. i believe him when he says he loves me, just the way i am. i don’t want to be afraid to say it, i love him. i’ll say it again, i love him. 

this past sunday, i shared a short testimony about my outreach experience with Ahav from Remnant Westside Church. it’s telling of where my heart is for making the gospel known- still determined, still learning. 

acts of service

wow. i almost feel compelled to apologize for my negligence to this blog. it’s been a whirlwind, what can i say? i have three posts back-logged in my head, wondering when i would find the time to process and print these thoughts. here we go. i’ve finally found a short breath to exhale what was my life over one month ago. 

God’s at work. settling into new york has been a humbling experience. i believe He strategically placed certain commitments in my life to remind me how a disciple of Christ is defined by servanthood and faithfulness. servanthood, meaning, the posture i must keep for others and faithfulness, meaning, how obediently i serve my Lord. 

i joined a ministry at remnant westside, called ahav. it’s an outreach with clear motives and intentions to serve those around us, the people that we walk by everyday, without stopping to question, who they are and what stories their lives offer. every week, we visit the same people, offering warm coffee paired with warm conversation. our objective isn’t to pursue these relationships to gain something in return. we simply live what we believe is Christ- love. 

it was a struggle to open myself up to strangers. imagine, finding yourself in the middle of columbus circle, with constant traffic of tourists and new yorkers, looking for people to encounter with the spirit of the gospel at hand. some days, i didn’t have the guts to walk up to a stranger and offer a cup of coffee. i have to admit, i’ve been out of practice. i had to remember how to approach in faith, trusting in His promptings, forgetting my doubts. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” 

i’ve stumbled numerous times at sharing the meaning of the gospel, trust me. but when i wear the love of Christ on my smile and open my ears to their story, i notice their smiles grow friendlier and more open each week we return. the simple gesture of consistency, provided a comfort of friendship between unassuming parties, enabling us to learn from each other and appreciate the goodness that we recognize to be valued.

i started working as a hostess at a high-end restaurant. sounds like a low-maintenance job, but somehow, it has run my body down to less than a hundred pounds. the act of greeting, hanging winter coats, escorting guests to their table up and down stairs, and waiting until the last table leaves. along with numerous skipped meals and long waits and rides home-for what, i’m not sure. 

i had big dreams coming to new york. life in manhattan with a thriving work life and constant new adventures in the city. i didn’t expect to work my way up from the bottom. i came with a sense of entitlement, ready to take on a new world. but yet again, God has brought me to my knees. i’m learning that i will always need His strength, His power, His will. otherwise, there’s no good thing i can do. and the thing is, i can’t imagine what life would life would be like, if i didn’t need God everyday. 

it’s appropriate to begin my life here with acts of service. it requires patience, honor and humility because every encounter will test each quality. it contributes to how i am setting the tone of this new chapter in my life, believing that my role is to serve and not expecting to be the one being served. 

this has led me to certain convictions of the way i desire to live this year: with patient endurance. in freedom and peace under the sovereignty of God, in surrender of my time and resources. in need. 

when only Love

at the young, vulnerable, age of fifteen, i met my first love. though it’s naive to say this, it was magical. it was pure. i cherished our encounters, our longings and our soft-spoken tones. i believed our love could endure any hardship because we had each other and also because i believed God would be our refuge. i thought it was perfect. 

but this vision i had of love, was quickly challenged by the limitations of circumstance, fear, and doubt. i fought back with my tiny fists against massive obstructions. with each lash to my heart, my attempts grew weaker, less determined and more unclear. after the end of an on-again off-again, tumultuous seven years of fighting for i-don’t-even-know-anymore, my heart was in ruins. i was so emotionally battered, i couldn’t recognize myself anymore. where did my perfect love go? 

i lost sight of God and importance of seeking Him first. i wanted to make this love work with or without Him. and with each failed attempt, my heart hardened, denying God of a relationship with me. i wouldn’t let Him heal me- because i felt unworthy of any of His attention after how i treated Him. how could He love someone who neglected Him and questioned His motives? i realized, He was trying to tell me that He was the perfect Love i was fighting for, if only i could open my eyes and my heart.

there’s a song we sang at Living Way- the bridge went something like this,

as i see the height from which you reign,

and the depth to which you came.

as i see the height to which you brought me

and the depth from which you saved.

i forgot where i was or what i was doing, but this song came into my heart last week. when i find myself losing sight of God’s mercy and grace, it’s songs like this that remind me to declare, i will still praise You. my testimony always brings me back to the simple fact that i didn’t deserve His love but He gave it to me anyway. He is the perfect Love I was longing for. 

Love saved me when love couldn’t. because He did, Love made a way towards love again. my brother has been someone who largely contributed to my resistant, almost obstinate nature towards vulnerability with men. it’s been about two months since we started living together and i have to say, it’s been rewarding. when i try to prove that i’m not a child anymore, he challenges me to be more child-like. when i speak passionately about something, he encourages me to keep going. when i don’t know how to live in faith, he shows me what it looks like. he’s helping restore my faith in relationships i deemed hopeless or too risky. Love covers over a multitude of sins (i peter 4:8). Love conquers all.

i recently visited Storm King in upstate NY, an art center that displays large-scale sculptures around beautiful natural landscapes. there was one piece that i had to give more than a glance of admiration. i came home and showed my brother a picture of the sculpture and asked him to guess what the title of it is. knowing me, and the condition of my heart in recent times, he facetiously surmised that it had to be somewhat existential, dark or self-absorbed. my hope is to eliminate this association with myself completely. i want to live in the light and be characterized by that goodness because i have Love.

by the way, the title of the sculpture is kiss

this is our God. 

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me 
   and the light become night around me,” 
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you; 
   the night will shine like the day, 
   for darkness is as light to you.

psalm 139:11-12

the pruning process

where have i been. here. here but clouded. here but hurting. here but afraid. i didn’t know what to write because my heart no silver lining or light at the end of the tunnel to redeem the lingering darkness within me. progressively, my heart sank deeper into sentiments of doubt, fear and bitterness…and i let it. one of my greatest demons is anxiety. i have a lot of it. even after all God has revealed in my life…it’s something the enemy still uses to keep God at a distance. 

for the past few weeks, i’ve allowed myself to believe in lies, soak in self-pity and hide in my own self-inflicting world, all making their case that i’m just not good enough to be loved. how does it come to this? wasn’t i just writing about how good God has been this past year? did i not witness the power of miracles in my life? again, i’ll ask. how did it come to this? 

it became quite clear this past sunday as i sat in service at trinity grace church. the pastor spoke on forgiveness and the consequences of not being able to forgive due to bitterness. i had to examine my own heart. who am i not forgiving? what kind of bitterness do i harbor? i realized i was bitter at God. it started with one disappointment and everything after that just escalated my inability to trust Him fully. i felt like He owed me something. something other than a disappointment. i became a prisoner to the enemy. i let bitterness sow into my heart and it actually bore fruit. it was full of negativity, insecurity and denial. 

there’s been a reoccurring passage that i’ve encountered in my quiet time, at an ahav meeting (remnant westside’s local outreach ministry), and at trinity grace. it’s been the common theme that defines where i’m with God right now: John 15:1-4

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ²He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” 

so that’s what He’s been doing. He’s cutting off the bad parts. He’s trimming the unnecessary. He’s reducing me to what will make me better. though it’s a process that leaves wounds exposed, He also leaves them open to heal. there’s no doubt that this is painful and too vulnerable for my human nature to stand, but He also says this, 

^“7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.⁸This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” John 15:7-8 

this is because He loves me. His promise prevails. it always does. i’m changing my heart to see why this is necessary as i begin to root myself in new york. i know it’s going to be worth it. 

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

— John 16:33

fast

a fast indicates an intentional withdraw from something. it’s a restraint of what physically sustains you. for me, it’s a deliberate desire to get God’s attention… it’s to say that I want to be emptied just to be filled up again, but with something that fills my soul and not my stomach. Christ says, “i am the bread of life. he who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me, will never be thirsty.” john 6:35

i felt the conviction to fast for the past month, but i couldn’t get myself to do it because i wanted to enjoy spending time at a meal table with great company. after arriving in new york, i knew i needed to pay proper attention to my relationship with Him. i knew there were issues that i needed to work out and i was just prolonging the inevitable confrontation.

i spent most of last week’s fast in confession. Lord, help me of my unbelief. the first morning, i poured out a confession of disconnect, doubt and heaviness. as i confessed how overwhelming it is to be a rock in this time of uncertainty, He reminded me that this isn’t about me and what i’m capable of. He says in ii corinthians 12:9, his power is made perfect in our weakness. i realized i hadn’t surrendered myself to be an empty vessel that He can use for His glory.

admist this time, my brother and i were apartment shopping. i’ve been told that finding an apt in manhattan is a daunting task; especially within our budget. we heard it can’t be done and we were never find what we’re looking for. even before i came to new york, my brother told me our budget was too tough to work with. so we left it to God- we prayed and we wrote a list of things that we were looking for. our absolutes.

as i write this, our apt sits pretty (and humbly) between two major avenues. it’s a cozy one bedroom home that we fell in love with as soon as we saw it. and now, friends ask perplexed, “how’d you guys find this place?” it gives me great joy to say that God prepared this place for us. this is going to be where our relationship as kin flourishes. this is where He wants us to find rest and comfort and provide it to those who need it too.

moving forward, i’m grateful for the opportunities to glorify God in my life. i believe that i came here with specific purposes. i’m being reluctantly emptied, but eagerly curious to witness how He will fill me again. i know He’s the one that’s going to lead me through my next hurdle of finding a job. friends, i’m confident to say that this is where i belong right now. i’m exactly where i’m supposed to be.

Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “if anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. whoever believes in me, as the scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him” - john 7:37-38

My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.

— Jesus, John 4:34